Washboard

It stormed during the night. Two hours of heavy rain, frequent lightning flashes, and distant thunder. I couldn’t sleep.”How,” I asked myself, ” can I use this time productively?”

Then, in a flash, not the lightning type, it came to me. I could do laundry. I hauled outside  an old-fashioned metal tub, like our ancestors used to wash clothes, and let it collect rain. Then I got my washboard abs, which I had been keeping in storage for the past two decades – OK, it has been three…OK, four. Now stop challenging the details of this totally true tale – and my box of Tide – OK, it was Fab…No, Era…Alright! I used the mini handsoap from my last hotel stay – and did a small load of laundry in the rain.

My washboard abs worked marvelously. They rippled the dirt right out of my undergarments. I also used fabric softener and now my  Calvins and dainties from Victoria’s Secret (black and navy blue only because they are perceived to be masculine colors) are as delicate as a butterfly’s lace wedding veil. (OK. You’re thinking,”Butterflies don’t have weddings, let alone veils.” Prove it. Go on. Prove it.)

In addition, my washboard abs are really soft now. But no one is going to know that first hand, because I’m putting them back in storage. Hopefully for another two, three, or four decades.

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