The New Medicine

There was a time when medications had names that indicated what their purpose was. Prefixes and suffixes from Latin or Greek told us the medicine was an antibiotic, anti-inflammatory, or painkiller. But not today.

Current television commercials promote new medications with names so concocted they look like randomly selected Scrabble tiles. Ads for Tecfidera, Entresto, Capzasin, Tresiba, Toujeo, and numerous others tout remedies for diseases and conditions I wish didn’t exist. They all, of course, warn the viewer of a myriad of horrible side effects, including  a physical attraction to Bernie Sanders, continual visions of 1980s two-hit wonder Rick Astley dancing, an acute Aretha Franklin fashion-sense, and even death, which wouldn’t be so bad considering the three previous conditions. The commercials, on the other hand, fail to disclose that these dubious medical products cost an arm and a leg, or in their invented language a Gretzbik and an Osmockelwyn.

As I study the names of the medications listed above, I suddenly realize, with embarrassment, that I have made an insensitive mistake, the result of a side effect of Niagara, a new product that enables users to have successful sex under ice-cold waterfalls.  The side effect is frequent flashbacks, memories from the past, and I was just uncontrollably recalling the attendance list of an English-as-a-Second-Language  class I once saw.  My apologies to anyone whose name I have insulted. It was the drugs talking.


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