New Year’s Irresolutions 2017

  1. I will lose 10 pounds. I will do it by…Oh, I hear a donut calling my name. I’ll be right back. Gotta rush to Doňa’s Donuts…False alarm. Sorry. No donut called my name. So I didn’t have one. I had three.
  2. I will exercise more this year. I will begin by exercising my options. I’ve opted to put that one off until America is great again.
  3. I will no longer have a Margarita with each restaurant meal I have because that is not good for one’s health and is expensive. Instead, I will snort cocaine before I leave home.
  4. I will no longer visit porn sites on my laptop. I will begin by ceasing my visits to the Republican National Committee’s home page.
  5. I will no longer drink my morning coffee in the nude. I will, instead, wear something to the coffee house.
  6. I will stop fantasizing over guys I have no chance of meeting or who have no interest in me. I will instead focus on the hot men on the porno sites I visit on my laptop.
  7. I will watch more Seattle Supersonic basketball games.
  8. I will withdraw money from ATMs less. But I will go inside the bank more and use the teller, who I may have seen on a porn site on my laptop.
  9. I will improve my Spanish. Oh, wait. That will involve studying and concentration. OK. Maybe not immediately. Maybe I’ll try to do that maňana o 2018.
  10. I will stop bashing Trump. Even if he is a worthless piece of shit.

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