Fit For a King

Appropriately, most of my beds throughout my adult life have been queen-size. They were fit for a queen. But the bed in my fully-furnished casita is a king. And that has taken some getting used to.

First, the bed is so large the entire Osmond Family could share it with me.  Currently, only eight of them are sleeping here…the others are, apparently, sleeping around…but Marie’s snoring is driving me crazy. I haven’t had a good night sleep since she arrived. At least with her weight loss, though, there is more room for Donny’s sons.

My bed is so big, in fact, it has five zip codes, three area codes, and two senators and a congressman representing it. The senators are Betty Bye and Lynn N. Sheets and the congressman is Matt Tress. All were elected in a blanket primary.  None knows for Serta where they should perform their legislative duties, so they flit between Washington, D.C.; Mexico City; Sleepy Hollow, New York; and Sealy Posturepedic Mattress Company headquarters in Trinity, North Carolina. Of course, when in North Carolina, they do not know which public restroom to use, so they simply wet the bed.

The bedspread on my bed is so vast it has been used in cold weather to cover the ground in Seattle’s CenturyLink Field where the Seahawks play.  I have repeatedly asked the grounds crew, when returning the cover to me, if they could, please, roll Doug Baldwin, Russell Wilson, Steven Hauschka, or Luke Willson inside.  But do they honor my simple request? Hell, no. They act is if I am some kind of perv or something.

Making a king-size bed each morning is quite a challenge. Just walking from one side to the other, flattening the bottom sheet, and then pulling the top sheet up tight is exhausting. It makes me so tired I frequently have to sit down afterward and rest for a good half an hour. Luckily, for me, there usually is an infomercial on TV for the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed or the My Pillow when I do this so I have something to watch while I recuperate.  Sometimes my breathing, heavy from overexertion, is so loud, I can’t hear the infomercials and I have to turn the volume up so I can get all the important details. When the infomercial is over, I return to the task at hand and attempt to pull up the heavy bedspread…you know, the one I just mentioned that is used at The Clink in cold weather…over the covers and pillows.  This heavy-lifting has caused me, on occasion, to throw out my back, dislocate my shoulder, or trigger abdominal hernias.  When this happens, I struggle to the bathroom where I take an overdose of Ibuprofen and, return to the bedroom, pull all the bed covers down, and go back to bed until bedtime.

I would continue telling you about the trials and tribulations I have experienced with a bed longer and wider than Donald Trump’s wall, but I just discovered Seahawk receiver Doug Baldwin wrapped up in my bedspread.  He says he wants to talk about tight ends.

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