I am a Dumbass

Some people think I’m smart. Well, they’re just stupid. They think because I went to college, remember trivial information like who won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1513, and is able too right goodly, I must be intelligent. But I am not. There are countless areas, basic fields of knowledge, in which I am clueless. There are numerous things other people, often less educated people, understand or have an interest in that I simply do not comprehend.

For example, I don’t understand technology. Frankly, I wish its development had stopped after the invention of the telephone answering machine.  Yes, technological developments are helpful. But are they really necessary? And have they really made our lives easier or better? I think not. And, while there are many examples I could cite, I will give you one simple one: I have had a cell phone for quite a while now. It is actually what they call a smart phone, which implies it has a diploma or degree from somewhere although I couldn’t find it in the box. But if it were so smart, why can’t it tell me where in the box, the cord with the wall jack is so I can plug it in?

And computers. Don’t get me started on that. I bought a laptop. It is right here on my lap. But I can’t get it to do anything.  I think it would have been helpful if they had printed the keypad on the box so I wouldn’t have to guess if I were hitting the keys correctly. But even if I am I don’t see where the print is coming out. There doesn’t seem to be a slot anywhere on this damn cardboard box for the printed paper to exit. Thank God, I still have my typewriter, the new kind with the magic backspace erasing ribbon so I can write this. Those ribbons, however, are getting harder and harder to find. If I could just find that damn wall jack cord, I could use my cell phone and call Information to find a Five & Dime store that sells them.

Oh, and a point of information so you don’t make the same mistake I made. You don’t dial “O” anymore for Information.  Apparently they’ve changed that to some number. I think it is 911.

I also don’t understand the obsession people have with the Kardashians, the family that made “K” Amerika’s favorite letter.  While I would not deskribe myself as a fan of this klan, I have nothing against them, per se. What I don’t understand is why so many people idolize them and follow their every move, especially on sokial media. TV reports, stories, or interviews about them attrakt their followers like inappropriately dressed kustomers to the Kolumbia, South Karolina Walmart.  What did Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Klem, Kordelia, Krysanthemum , Kermit, Klaus, and Krazy do to earn their fame and fans? In the beginning, they had money and sokial status, nothing more. Granted, they have developed their name into a sukkessful produkt,  a finankial  empire, but I just kan’t understand why so many people are attrakted to their lives. I also don’t understand why the late Los Angeles lawyer Robert Kardashian was allowed to be the patriarkh of this family. His name does not start with a “K.”

Another thing I don’t understand is soccer, or futbol as it is called in countries smarter than the United States. I say smarter because the sport is actually played with the fut and not in one’s soccs.  But that is not why I don’t understand the game. From what I can tell, a bunch of people run up and down a field kicking a ball for 90 minutes or more. You’d think they’d try to kick the ball to their teammates. But apparently that is not the point because most of the time they kick it to a member of the other team and everyone starts running in the opposite direction for a few seconds until the ball gets kicked to someone on the other team again. And what is the result after this endless 90 minute display of sloppy kicking and poor aiming? Minimal scores like 1-0, 2-1, 2-nil (whatever the hell a nil is), or the very common 0-0. I’m sorry, but when I watch sports, I want to see high scores around 116 like in basketball or golf.

I’ve never understood why people eat ribs. They’re a favorite in steakhouses and at barbecues and this puzzles me. To me, ribs have less meat than is expected, are more work than it is worth, and they are messy. If I wanted to be disappointed by the amount of meat, physically exhausted but not satisfied, and feel dirty, I’d just have an orgy with the New England Patriots. Again.

One of life’s great mysteries to me is the popularity of the TV programs The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. What can viewers possibly gain by watching these sinful versions of legalized prostitution? How can their lives or minds be improved? But, more importantly, I ask, why have the programs, the network, and the Federal Communications Commission allowed the shameful, horrific abuse and, degradation of innocent, defenseless roses for so long on these shows?

Let’s talk about skinny jeans. I just don’t get it. Oh, I understand it is just a fashion trend, but most of the people who wear them shouldn’t. If one has thin legs and can actually fit into a pair of these tight pants, it only accentuates how skinny their legs are and that is not flattering. If one is too heavy or too thick-legged, skinny jeans just draw attention to how stuffed into the denim these people are. A looser pant, not necessarily baggy, would be much more attractive on most people, regardless what Madison Avenue and style mavens tell you. And for the fit people who have the firm, muscular, shaped legs that skinny jeans flatter, why don’t the manufacturers make see-through ones for them?

Books, television series, and movies about crime and crime-solving have always been popular. Why? Don’t we have enough crime in the daily news, politics, and the fashion sense of Aretha Franklin, Johnny Weir, Whoopi Goldberg, and Nicki Minaj? I see people reading crime novels on airplanes, at the beach, in coffee shops, and in holding cells. I read about Hollywood’s top grossing films and planned projects, and I see crime at the core of most of them. I follow television viewing habits and see that CSI, Law & Order: SVU, and NCIS, are not only among TV’s highest rated programs, but they have inspired uninspired spin-offs. Why? To exploit crime this way is, to me, criminal. Fans of this genre, I feel, are not just readers or viewers; they are accomplices of this crime and should be locked up. Except if their name is Hillary. Why don’t more people watch educational programming like I do, programs like Entertainment Tonight, Live With Kelly and Ryan, Jerry Springer, and The Miss Universe Pageant?

I had a beard and moustache in the mid-1970s. It was accompanied by a full, fluffy Jew-fro. At some point I shaved the beard, but kept the moustache. Then I cut my hair, but again maintained the hairy lip. These various looks were in style at the time. One would think, then, that I like and approve of hairy facial looks.  But a prominent current style is the scruffy 3-4 day stubble beard look and I hate it. You can’t escape it. It is seen everywhere, at awards shows, malls, universities, post-game interviews with athletes, bars, kindergartens, retirement homes, and Greek women’s clubs. I believe, however, this look has overstayed its welcome. It has been around for approximately 15 years and I don’t understand why it has lasted this long. It looks unfinished to me, unrefined, lazy, and generally unflattering. It looks like the wearer has been trying to grow a full beard, like the one I wore in the ‘70s, since puberty and doesn’t have enough testosterone to complete the task. Each night, before I go to bed, I pray the clean-shaven look will return. But each morning when I awake, there’s a different guy with a scruffy 3-4 day beard lying next to me.

Even as a kid, I did not understand superheroes. I preferred Archie comic books to The Hulk. I thought the entire production of the 1950s Superman TV series was cheesy. I did watch perhaps three episodes of the mid- 1960s Batman (RIP, Adam  West) series with its “Wham!” “Bam!” and “Thank you, Batman.”  And then I moved on, grew up, and focused on more adult issues like racism, nuclear warfare, and how long my Beatle bangs should be. Today, however, Hollywood is dominated by blockbuster superhero films that are aimed at kids, teens and adults alike and rake in billions of dollars. I just don’t get it.

To me a superhero is not a cartoon character. A superhero is a person who speaks out against or questions stupid popular trends followed by the mindless millions. To me a super hero is a person who rails against silly fads like modern technology, the Kardashians, soccer, ribs, reality TV, skinny jeans, crime as entertainment, scruffy beards, and superheroes.  That takes guts.  But I’m not saying I have guts just because I have spoken out against these items or issues. I am not a superhero. I am probably not even a regular hero. I just have opinions that require considerable bravery and personal sacrifices to express.

Oh, and that is another thing I just don’t understand. Humble-bragging. I would never do that.

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