Fido, Rover, Tigger, & Boots

We all have pet peeves. You know, those little things that aren’t important and have no impact on anything important, but irritate us to the point that we actually use, God forbid, foul language.
I have numerous. My first pet peeve actually has to do with pets. While I like the sensation of a cat’s dry, coarse, rough tongue licking me, I cannot stand dog’s tongues. The floppy, wet, slobbery quality makes me cringe. Upon being licked by a dog, whether on the hand or face, I usually run fully clothed into the shower screaming something like, “Icky-poo icky-poo, Mommie, I’m gonna die!” Now don’t get me wrong. I like dogs. I am a dog person. In fact, I like them so much I can overlook the disgusting quality of their licking tongues when we are having sex.
I fear this next pet peeve will cause me to lose friends or a sister. I’m sorry if I offend those women “of a certain age” in my life who continue to have long straight hair just like they did when they were 17. As we age, our faces sag and downward lines and wrinkles appear. Hanging hair adds more downward lines and accentuates them; it draws the viewer’s eyes to the drooping lines of the face and makes the woman look more tired, sadder, and older. Make-up doesn’t really hide it. Plastic surgery and Botex might. A shopping bag from a Forever 21 store placed over the head will. But it will also tip off people that you haven’t been 21 since the William Howard Taft Administration. So, ladies, if you insist on keeping your long hair, wear it up. Or better yet, cut it. That’s what I did the first time I turned 40; I cut my hair which had been styled at the time like that of Mary Travers, of Peter, Paul and Mary. I opted for a more age-appropriate length, a Mr. T mohawk.
Pencil erasers irritate the hell out of me. First off, they aren’t big enough. Common sense makes it obvious that with as much lead as there is in a standard pencil, the eraser should be as long as the Colorado River. But that obviously isn’t practical, not just because of the length, but because of the eraser’s short lifespan. I’ve had pencil erasers dry out and harden before I had even sharpened the pencil. The result, of course, is permanent smears and that has caused me to use, God forbid, foul language. But what really pisses me off is that the erasers dry out before I’ve had a chance to practice and perfect my signature as Mrs. Tom Pitt, Mrs. Tom Jonas, Mrs. Tom Trudeau, or Mrs. Tom Nadal.
Seat belts are a thorn in my side. Oh, I am not opposed to them; I support seat belt laws and understand how they save lives. The problem is, no matter how carefully you yank the seat belt Iatch toward the buckle, they lock somewhere between your nipples and you have to try again. And again. And again. I’ve given up and now use seat suspenders instead. One set of clips attach to the waist of your pants, provided you are in fact wearing pants, and the other set clip to the top of the seatback. A smart dresser will color-coordinate them to the garters worn to hold up his socks when he is wearing sandals.
The synchronization of television commercials is something that I believe should be made illegal. It is the most irritating of countless television-related pet peeves. It occurs when I’m watching a favorite program, an educational show like Jerry Springer, and a commercial comes on. I channel surf hoping to find another substantive show like TMZ, 2 Broke Girls, or Keeping Up With the Kardashians that I can watch for the duration of the Springer interruption. But all I find are other commercials. It’s a plot to sell TV viewers shit we have no time to use because we spend all our free time watching TV. It just pisses me off how all these “knowledgeable” TV execs think America is a consumer-oriented, materialistic, and capitalist society.
When I still lived in the US of Assholes, and drove a car, my pet peeve was drivers who did not take advantage of the free right turn. It is a common traffic practice across the country, yet so many people waste time, back up traffic, and cause other drivers to use, God forbid, foul language by patiently waiting for the light to change even though no traffic is passing in front of them. What are they doing? Texting? Daydreaming? Singing along with their music? Thinking about their next appearance on Jerry Springer?
Another thing that irritates the bejesus out of me is coffee that is served too hot. I do appreciate that coffee houses today brew one’s coffee drink individually as opposed to making a carafe of coffee, as is done in restaurants, and letting it sit until it is all served. The sitting time seems to allow restaurant coffee to cool just enough that it is drinkable. The personally-made coffee one gets served at today’s coffee houses, however, is so hot one cannot drink it for the better part of the caffeine-junkie’s life. Even stirring it vigorously does not cool it. I have waited for coffees to cool through three sunsets, two shaves, an HBO miniseries, ten bathroom visits, and several congressional elections. This delay, of course, makes me late for the doctor appointment I made in advance to treat my hot-coffee-burned lips and tongue.
A major pet peeve of mine is products like skin lotion or liquid soap that come in plastic dispensers with a pump top. It isn’t the product or packaging that irritates me; it is the fact that the pump’s tube does not reach the bottom of the bottle, leaving a serious amount of the paid for product inaccessible. When the last St. Ives skin lotion dispenser I bought “ran out,” for example, I took off the top, turned the dispenser upside-down, and poured the remnants into a smaller container so it would not go to waste. That was in 2009. I’m still using it daily. And, for the record, my skin is satiny smooth.
But, for me, the most exasperating pet peeve involves typing. I know how to type. I’ve been doing it since Gutenberg. I know the qwerty keyboard like I know the back of my hamb. Yet keyboards I use constantly produce typ0s as if I hit the wrong kep. It just irritates the hall out of my. It makes me want to use goddam mather fokcing foul language.

One thought on “Fido, Rover, Tigger, & Boots

  1. my favoita was the last Matherfuciking paracrap…..good go tomo !

    On Mon, Aug 21, 2017 at 8:06 AM, Life Through a Lavender Lens: wrote:

    > tomnussbaum posted: “We all have pet peeves. You know, those little things > that aren’t important and have no impact on anything important, but > irritate us to the point that we actually use, God forbid, foul language. I > have numerous. My first pet peeve actually has to do with” >

    Like

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