A Christmas Con-job

January 28, 2019

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I’m sorry my Christmas greetings are so late, but I wasn’t released from prison until January 15. So, I want to begin my annual letter by clearing up one thing. Regardless what you might have heard about my conviction, I did not have sex with that horse. Yes, orgasms did occur, but there was no penetration and all parties had given written consent.

Many exciting things happened to the Henshaw Family since last year’s letter. As I was unable to witness firsthand any of the Henshaw Happenings due to my unjust incarceration, I am, of course, reporting what was told to me through the plexiglass window by my wife Carleen on her visit, her one visit. Wait. There is one thing I can report on first-hand, my marriage to my prison husband Chester “Bubba” Dinwiddie.

Like mine, Bubba’s conviction was the result of a misunderstanding and communication breakdown. Apparently, forgetting you are carrying $143,000 when you board a plane for a Caribbean island that no one in my family never heard of is considered “suspicious.” Especially when they can trace the money to a bank some people you were with but swear you hardly knew them were robbing without telling you. And you were holding a loaded gun.

Anyway, my Bubba should get pardoned in about 25 years, provided he doesn’t kill any other inmates.

As for Carleen, she hasn’t been the same since her father’s white sheet caught fire at that alleged Ku Klux Klan meeting on the Fourth of July. The shock of his death caused Carleen to gain 65 pounds. But don’t worry; she still wears her Daisy Dukes shorts and sequined halter top when she shops at K-mart.

Carleen has finally enrolled in school; she says it is never too late to better yourself. She’s studying pole-dancing at the local campus of Melania’s School of Classy Shit. Carleen also got a tattoo on her inner-thigh in spring, a life-size replica of Ted Nugent’s face. She likes it so much, she’s returning to Tats Amore next month to have Sean Hannity’s face inked onto the other thigh. People say it’ll look like they’re kissing when she has her legs together. But don’t worry. Carleen don’t keep her legs together all that much.

You might recall from last year’s Christmas letter that we signed up to host a foreign exchange student. We didn’t know, however, he’d be a coming from Nigeria. He arrived just about the time I reported to prison. But to Carleen’s surprise, our kids got along fine with him and his stupid back-wood ways. I mean back-jungle ways. Especially Candi Lee. As a result, Candi Lee was unable to attend her high school graduation as the baby was born just hours before Commencement.

Billy Bob Jack Jo is 15 now and in the sixth grade. Finally. His learning disabilities, his doctor says, are the result of the syphilis he caught from his Aunt Lola Mae when he was five. But what does that quack know? If he’s so smart, why’d he go to Harvard and Johns Hopkins when he could have gone to Trump University?

Our pit bulls, David and Duke, only attacked three neighborhood children this year, but the judge said we had to put them down. I didn’t think that was right, but I had Carleen do it. The trailer park is much quieter now without those three yapping neighbor kids.

Carleen added an orange parakeet to our home while I was away. She named him Donald T because he’s always tweeting. That Carleen has the best sense of humor, even better than Anne Coulter.

By the way, Carleen had some work done on the house last summer. Now all four tires have air in them. She also dusted and vacuumed the place. I think that was in June or July. It was one of them “J” months. Wait. It was a year ago, in January.

Addiction, of course, has touched our family, like it has so many others. But Carleen and I are proud of Candi Lee for overcoming her dependency on e-cigarettes and vaping. Thank god, she’s back to normal and her pack a day of Marlboros. Billy Bob Jack Jo, on the other hand, continues to struggle with his sex addiction and his masturbating to reruns of The Golden Girls. But we are hopeful he can go clean in ’19.

So, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a year filled with peace and harmony. And I’m sure you wish me the same, even though I didn’t hear from any of you during the Holidays…or for the entire time I was imprisoned. Because of my Christian upbringing, I do believe that was an oversight. But if it wasn’t, you all can go “F” yourselves.

With Love,

Carleen, Candi Lee, Billy Bob Jack Jo, David and Duke, Donald T, and me, Caleb Henshaw

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