It Takes Two, Baby

It was Winter 1966-67. Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston’s “It Takes Two, Baby” was high on the R&B and pop charts. The lyrics, of course, were about love. But many other things require two people. They can’t be done alone. I, after living alone for much of my adult life, have learned this the hard way.

Have you ever tried to fold king-size sheets by yourself? Nearly impossible. So is lifting the king mattress when making the bed and trying to tuck the sheets under the foot end.

Without a second person, spreading sunscreen or lotion on your back is impossible. It demands pretzel-like flexibility. But even with that ability, globs of goo end up everywhere but on your back.

Using two-fer coupons at restaurants is problematic. Apparently invisible dinner companions don’t count.

Playing Solitaire is impossible. Yes Solitaire. Oh, I know it is a game-for-one. But if you don’t know how to play, there is no one available to explain it to you.

Hanging drapes or a shower curtain is a challenge. But that is nothing compared to hanging art. Too high. Too low. Crooked. More crooked. Upside-down. Backwards. Years ago, I had an apartment wall adorned with two paintings. It had 37 nail holes. And I had no Spackle. That is when I switched to white toothpaste.

Doing the tango around the living room while watching Dancing With the Stars is impossible because…it takes two to tango.

While I have put up many a Christmas tree, it really is a two-person job, one to hang the ornaments and the other to rearrange them.

Likewise, putting holiday lights along the roof is a two-person job. One attaches the lights. The other stays on the ground and catches him/her when he/she falls off the ladder.

Playing strip poker needs at least one other person. Otherwise, it is just called undressing.

Washing the car requires two people. One washes and the other is needed to repeat, “You missed a spot.”

Putting together a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle is definitely a team project. As one person searches for pieces, the other serves as back-massager.

Shopping for clothes is a two-person task. One person is needed to try on the clothes and step out of the dressing room. The other person’s job is to laugh uncontrollably.

Lip-syncing to any record by Simon & Garfunkle, The Righteous Brothers, Hall & Oates, The Indigo Girls, or Peaches & Herb by one’s self is impossible.

Playing catch or frisbee by yourself is challenging, unless you have a dog.

Playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano needs a second person, unless you have four hands.

Washing dishes after a Thanksgiving or Christmas meal demands two people, one to load the dishwasher and the other to groan from overeating and then say, “You know, I could use another bite of the pumpkin pie. And cheesecake.”

Airline travel by yourself is not easy if you pack, as I do, like Cher on Tour.

Installing wiring or doing other electrical work definitely needs two people, one to do the work and the other to call 911.

Bicycles-built-for-two never should be rented by one person.

Watching a football game on TV alone means never being able to do “The Wave.” OK. Two people wouldn’t make it impressive either. But when one person stands and raises his arms, it is either for a back stretch or to clear the air from a fart.

Whether you call it a see-saw or a teeter-totter, it needs two people, one to teeter, the other to totter. Or see and saw.

Assembling IKEA furniture requires two people. The handier one does the assembling. The other person is needed to find the misplaced screw or Allen wrench.

And meaningful, satisfying, passionate sex requires a second person. Who else is going to film the act and upload it to the porn site?

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